Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seems like a niche market

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Overindulged this afternoon.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

😂

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?