“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My dad is at it again
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Duolingo getting serious.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
The future is now.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…