Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
the zen of frog
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.