Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
You Might Also Like
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.