Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My wife gives the best headache.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: