“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him