Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

go easy on yourself <3

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

🥴

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

Thanks to a fan for this one!