do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”