Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

There’s no “u” in narcissist

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…