DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
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Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
thats my bad
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.