DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
You Might Also Like
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.