DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
WHY?!
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary