DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
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ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
A recipe for laughter
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.