“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Split the bill
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips