“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
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A tragic love story in two pictures.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation