Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
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Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My dryer is celebrating lint.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook