Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
“Do you need a ride?”
Me, to every jogger I pass in my car
You Might Also Like
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.
Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes