“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car

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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers


*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?


Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.


my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her


My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.


I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another


Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.


Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”


holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?


Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars