“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car

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Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?


my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.


*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana


KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer


Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.


Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.


Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.


People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes