@NotARatsAss

“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car

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@KylePlantEmoji

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

@Thynebear

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

@Reverend_Scott

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

@FredTaming

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

@mommajessiec

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

@Thynebear

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

@mistakentweets

Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.

@MrSandeepP

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

@Kalarlis

holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars