“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.