Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

These work great until they don’t.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”