“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
What flavor cupcake are these
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.