Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
You Might Also Like
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN