Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.