Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Is this you?

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.