Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Sign at work today
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
