“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
i was dropped as an adult
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]