“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
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If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
another case of gang violins
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry