Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.