Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.