Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
get you a girl who
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.