Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.