Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
I came this close!!!!
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
