Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
constantly working on myself.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress