Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”