Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why no one uses midhusbands

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

I need this for my side hustle.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

“Theirye’re” problem solved

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.