“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
You Might Also Like
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
