“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
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The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead![]()
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift