“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.