Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Yup
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.