Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.