Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

#dnd #ttrpg

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming