Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
#Caturday
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.