Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)