Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
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My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.