Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
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Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.