Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

Has science gone too far?

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.