Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.