Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The Friday File.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
rapatouille
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle