Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Welcome

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.