Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

I like long walks away from everyone

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”