Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My blood type is coffee.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
hardest line in real life
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!