Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
You Might Also Like
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I drew y’all a little something.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My dog learned how to text
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology