Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
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#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Seductively sings in Klingon.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”