“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Catering service
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.