Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you