“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!