“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN