“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
this came to me in a vision
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.