“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
When you kidnap a writer.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?