Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

ㅤ

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.