do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
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[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.