Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Good Morning.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity