do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
How do you milk an almond?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My background check bounced.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules