whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE