@BrainFumbles

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”

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@sixfootcandy

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

@SarcasticAlly12

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

@TheNYAMProject

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

@Adar79Angie

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

@Mike_Batt

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

@QwertyJones3

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?