“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”
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I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?