Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

Liquor Store Parking

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete