Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or