Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.