Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
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The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace