Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
You Might Also Like
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
dutch is not a serious language
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.