Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You Might Also Like
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
💻🤡
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*jazz hands*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.