Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.