@realHamOnWry

Do you think baby teddy bears sleep with stuffed people?

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@TheHatStore

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

@radtoria

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

@Writethatdown12

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

@crylenol

CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted

@pleatedjeans

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

@Tmoney68

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

@ndmckeown

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

@MUMSIEesq

My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

@Oncefallen

Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.