Do you think baby teddy bears sleep with stuffed people?

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doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one


[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]


Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”


CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted


[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]


[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?


I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.


My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.


Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.