doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Do you think baby teddy bears sleep with stuffed people?
You Might Also Like
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.