do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*Seductively hides in the woods
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.