do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
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Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Thank heavens for community notes
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.