do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I feel seen
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My dating profile:
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
This kid will have a bright future.