do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
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Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Thursday Thought.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
PLOT TWIST:
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My wife has the worst taste in men.